Letter to Santa and Response(s)

Dear Santa,

The Cruisers have all been very good this year and I’m sure you will find all of our names on your “Nice List”.  No one except Laurie drank any Bud and she apologizes for her lapse.  Please don’t hold that against us. We have shown our strength by running and walking in all kinds of weather without hardly any complaining.  (We do have to do a little BBCing in order to keep the conversation going.)  We try to be on time for our runs, Flora even coming out in PJs, and Bob doesn’t use too much hot water at Cameron so as not to overly burden the Burnaby tax payers.  Libby accepted the Faller’s Trophy with good grace and Bob apologizes for tripping her so he could pass it on.  He’s good like that.  Honourable mention should go to Pat and Rod for going above and beyond the call of duty when dealing with the BC Seniors’ Games Officials, who have taken bureaucracy to a new high.  There will be an official “Obstacle Event” designed for the poor schmucks who volunteer next year so they will be eligible for medals.  Despite what Leah Pells thinks, it is about the medals (what does she know about motivation anyway?).  Some Cruisers have REAL jobs, and although they get coffee breaks, lunch hours, paid and statutory holidays as well as pay increases, they are still deserving of this special Christmas gift.  Adele is deserving because she doesn’t get any of those perks,  her hours are long and her office is outdoors with manual equipment.  The gift would keep on giving in so many ways:  Norman has a daughter learning to drive so he needs a place to relax, Rene and Len are joining/have joined the ranks of the unemployed and Rachel will be an impecunious student soon – all good reasons for needing a retreat.  Tracy needs a boot camp venue and Alex could map out running routes, which  Rick, Larry and Edie could use for training for their upcoming walk.  Shiraz, Val and Jennel could use a getaway to take the kids.  Sherian could bake for everyone, including cookies for your next year’s Christmas treat.  She is going to apply for a passport soon so don’t let her down.  The clubhouse should have a big screen TV so Eoin can keep up with Rugby, Soccer, Hockey (what’s that?), Roller Derbies, Ping Pong, etc. while Laura is pounding the pavement, albeit in better weather than she’s used to on the mountain.  The games room should have stationary bikes so Debra can teach spin classes when it’s too hot to train outside.  Chris will ensure no bugs get us when we are training in our tropical paradise where there are no such words as snow, blizzard, freezing rain, sleet or hail.  We will look into a Tim Horton’s franchise once we’re settled so we can indulge in the occasional lard balls, steamed tea and ice caps (only ice in drinks is permissible, not in the forecast).

Now Santa, you are aware that some of us are on fixed incomes and struggling with the snowy and/or rainy weather at this time of year.  We only have one request and are willing to share it in the group.  I’ve sent a picture of the club house in Maui to make it easier for you to find and purchase the appropriate one to meet our group needs .  Please send the deed c/o our leader Bob at your earliest convenience.  

Please don’t say, “Don’t wanna, don’t hafta, ain’t gonna” as we would all be very sad on Christmas.  Although we have been known to suck up our hardships and disappointments stoically, we REALLY, REALLY need this clubhouse.   Oh, and Santa, could you also please bring Carla a pair of running capris with a little pocket for her car key?

Thank you, Santa!  Merry Christmas to you and Mrs. Clause and all your little working friends as well as your real estate agent.  May the fashion police never fault your choice of suits and may your New Year’s diet go well.  We’re sending you a subscription to the irun magazine which is Canadian and has lots of tips on nutrition and what to wear, suitable for the Northern Clime.  We’ve all had trouble with wardrobe selection at one time or another and been guilty of not phoning each other to see what the outfit of the day should be, so don’t be hard on yourself because you dress in red faux fur.  We realize Mrs. Claus is not helpful in this area as she dresses like you and doesn’t realize it is a big fashion no no to dress like one’s husband.  What is she thinking?  During your time off after Christmas, Christina will plan some activities for you both to participate in and John will send you the pictures after so you can have nice memories.  Rob and Nancy will come on your vacation to help with your fitness regimes.  No offence, but I think you both could use some professional help with that.

We remain hopeful of your consideration and good will.  Respectfully submitted by R A Edie, on behalf of all the impeccably behaved Cruisers and Athletic Supporters

If by any chance, you can’t give us this club house for Christmas,  it will give us something to complain about during our post Christmas run and we will still have the joy of being with our running group and athletic supporters.  It doesn’t get any better than that. By the by, Coca Cola is not good for you….Switch to water.

1. When we contacted the Naughty and Nice Elves to confirm this statement, it appears that Nice Elf had less to say than Naughty Elf, which leaves us forced to question this first declarative statement.  Oh well, you can’t win them all said Rudolf, who was last seen trying to use duct tape to attach a pen to his hoof.  Go Rudolf!

2. Our Local Beer Connoisseur, owner of the Real Bear.com website (site address:http://www.realbeer.com/library/beerbreak/archives/beerbreak0325.php) reviewed your group’s files and noted that others in your group were observed drinking Bud with some even partaking in of all things, a brand of beer (and we use the term beer loosely) Bud Light
In fact, your beer consumption metrics indicated a considerably high frequency of beer drinking events during the year, along with wine drinking moments with particularly high peaks associated somehow with some sort of social activities after running events throughout the year.
Unfortunately, your declarative statement failed to meet our standards of professional integrity; moreover, an apology sent on Laurie’s behalf without a notarized statement is not acceptable.  We would have expected your group including retired accountants, active accountants, current staff with law firms, and former bank officers would have recognized this strict requirement.

3. See the audit comment number 2 above.

4. We have had considerable difficulty when trying to interpret what you meant by the term “without hardly any complaining” in your statement regarding your strength shown by running in inclement weather.
In polling several companies in the call service centre area, such as cell phone companies, the term “without hardly any” was not recognized.  These companies indicated that when it comes to complaining it is either all in (full blown complaints) or none at all.  Consequently, we have to discard the phrase “hardly any” and as a result, find it difficult to believe that in running in what is termed the rain forest tsunami of the West Coast near Cameron Recreation Centre that your group could deal with the onslaught of continuous precipitation without complaining.  Sorry while we look for the best in people, even we are left scratching Rudolf’s soft head in amazement that this statement could be possible.  Hence, this statement is deemed unacceptable to support your request.

5. When first examining this statement, we were quite hopeful that it could be a positive indication for a statement that could be used to support your request.
Had you stopped with the first portion of the statement, i.e., We try to be on time for our runs, we were prepared to fully accept your assertion.  However, Naughty the Elf had a long series of records regarding the aforementioned member’s tardiness, although our Elf was impressed with her explanations in that their depth of creativity and originality were unsurpassed in our 650 years of archived records.
6. And then there was Bob fellow that you mentioned.  Well his record with your group required us to obtain six bankers boxes of records taken from storage at Iron Mountain along with two DVD disks to examine his current electronic files.  Needless to say, it is amazing what a man with considerable dedication in 25 years of running and coordinating the Cameron Cruisers can accumulate for records.
Your reference to Bob not using too much hot water at Cameron was not accepted. We wondered if indeed he was concerned about Burnaby taxpayers, why should he use any water at Cameron Rec Centre other than for light re-hydration on an emergency basis.  Any use of water for other purposes burdens the Burnaby tax payers, as well as jeopardizing the Metro Vancouver water supply.  We have much more to say about Bob’s records in other areas noted below.
While we see that Bob is highly regarded by your group and is recognized for his contribution to the community, the strength of these very positive efforts is by and large negated by his reminder to others in your group of his financial situation now that he is retired.  More to follow………

7. In this regard, we do agree that Bob acted in his own best interests to ensure that another one of your members would receive this infamous award.  As Bob is quite effective in such regards, we must give you credit for your honesty in this statement; however, Bob’s motivation and interest regarding his actions leave us little choice but to positively reject this supporting statement.  We’re good at doing that……….

8. Again, our audit team were divided in our assessment of this series of statements.  In so much (we like using four words when we didn’t have to use any) as, Pat and Rod did a superb job in this project, not all the competitors were satisfied.  We have received numerous complaints from some of the participants at the BC Seniors’ Games.  It seems that some of the athletes may have been guilty of trying to obtain a medal with only two or three competitors entering an event.  And if they found out that more than three planned to enter an event, they decided to not participate in the event.
Furthermore, we did happen to interview several of the “poor smucks” that you refer to and it seems they were dismayed to hear this term used in association with their good-hearted efforts in volunteering for this event.
Ditto in rejecting this statement.

9. In reviewing Canada’s National Occupation Classification, we were unable to find suitable job descriptions to confirm many of the individuals referenced above actually have an official or REAL job.  For example, one of your athletic supporter, named John or Man Servant to Queen Cat, has a job entitled Learning Technologies Leader.  This job title is so overly officious, no one would never dare ask if he has a real job.  As such, we must abstain from considering whether these individuals do indeed have REAL jobs.

10. Yes, these requests on the surface initially seemed very reasonable.  Upon much closer consideration, our chief auditor (formerly with the Canadian Revenue Agency) deemed that these pursuits were primarily social and as such could not be considered.

11. Perhaps you would be so kind as to provide statements to support your assertion above.  After all, what is a level of fixed income for one person may not be the same for another.  In reviewing your financial expenditures in the last couple of years, we do wonder how those with “fixed incomes” can afford new cars, new residences, complete restoration of existing residences, as well as trips to Hawaii and other States, and Russia, just to name a few excursions.
12. And the idea of turning over a deed to this “Bob” person has to be carefully considered.  To make our decision easier and improve the chances of granting your request, perhaps your group’s income tax returns for the last five years would be a good starting point to consider the financial implications of this request.
13. And in terms of your struggle with snow and rainy weather, this is one we had very little sympathy with, as other than climate warming issues melting nearby icebergs, we have to deal with year round ice and snow conditions.  Rudolf mentioned that a saying from one of your group’s T-shirts may be appropriate as a response regarding your dilemma with concerns about the weather, i.e., “Suck it up, Princess” is I believe Rudolf suggested. 

14. We are very pleased to inform you that because of your polite insistence and detailed comments, logical or not, we will be considering provision of a deluxe clubhouse for your group.  And we have asked the Strategic Drop-off Elf to bring your “Carla” a pair of running capris, which was purchased on Senior Tuesdays at Value Village.  Other than a few holes, they look in reasonable condition.  We hope the guess in her size is appropriate, as no such size was provided.

15. We are planning to contact a real estate agent on your behalf in the New Year, unless the Mayan event causes the loss of contact from our Emergency Operations Bunker with the rest of the world. They will help deal with the transaction for acquisition of your new facility.

16. While it was very kind and generous of you to send along the magazine, Santa’s team of dieticians, fitness personal trainers, and fashion consultants have advised us that they are unable to pass this information along to Santa.
For more than 600 years, Santa has maintained a very masculine physique, which is essential for a man of his position.  We shudder to think of Santa running on the snowbound trails with a strange material called “Lyra” or “Spandex”.  What next, would you ask us to send Santa to a LuluLemon store to try on some yoga clothing.  We think not!
Moreover, the thought of asking our CEO to change his cuisine and consider eating wheatgrass, sprouts, organic soy milk, bottled water, fruit, vegetables, energy bars, and/or protein shakes is more than we could envision, based on other past uneducated and inspired efforts.  In fact, we can predict this would be a show-stopper to your request.  As such we will recycle the magazine or re-gift it to another running group.
In terms of Mrs. Claus’ fashion attire, she is proud to dress like her husband.  In fact, we are pleased to see several of your running group members sharing similar attire to their athletic supporters, much in the same way Santa and Mrs. Claus dress in a similar manner.  And this tendency seems to increase the longer they are married.

17. Thank you for the offer and we have the following response.  While Christina is quite capable of planning such activities, her prowess is limited to date to in arranging events in West Coast climates.  What would she know about exciting events up here such as seal flipper chewing competitions, reindeer sing-alongs (best attended with good earplugs, showhut shoveling contests, and other such Northern entertainment.
While we are aware that John has some experience as an amateur photography and has attended events with your group, his tendency to only use wide-angle lenses would not show Mrs. Claus or Santa’s physique in the most appropriate manner.  However, if he learns Photoshop to the point he could enhance the photos, we would consider this service.
And in terms of Rob and Nancy’s offer to help with fitness regimes, well, Santa is already on a superb program, which includes such training activities as in building up his arms and elbow strength through lifting massive mugs of an ale-like substance, getting in and out of his sleigh during one special evening, climbing up and down chimneys, practicing his Ho-Ho-Ho’s, and chasing after the reindeers.

18. And last but not least, we may have to take exception to the term, “…impeccably behaved Cruisers and Athletic Supporters…” In reviewing running and social events that your group has participated in over the years, we must say that your moral conduct was at times less than impeccable.
In fact, we recently received a request from California to replace a certain red hat that one of your more experienced members took in demanding this level of service during his recent visit to this state.  Moreover, we have a related infraction brought forward from one of the participants at the City to Sea Race 2012. She was trampled while attempting to get into a vehicle at the end of the race.  Something about a senior “not-so-gentlemen” pushing her aside to gain entry into the vehicle to get a quick ride back to his hotel. And then there was another infraction which involved leaving his two running friends behind at the end of a race to fend for themselves in waiting for two shuttles to get a ride part way back to their hotel.
So in summary, it is clear that your group does deserve some consideration of this request.  Unfortunately, our audit deemed that this request for a clubhouse in Hawaii should be scaled back in direct relation to our findings regarding your group’s stated reasons for such a facility.
Hence, we are pleased to enclose a photograph of your new clubhouse, which is located in Port Coquitlam adjacent to the Pitt River trail system.  We have also applied to install electricity to this clubhouse by 2015.  In the meantime, we have arranged the owner of the horses to keep them on your property for which you can generate power through collection of waste products and conversion to methane gas.
Respectively Yours,
Mr. I Am Audit, CARMEL Guy
Santa Claus Corporation